johnsrm

Moral Compass

Often in therapy moral dilemmas arise. What should I do here? Is it right for me, for my partner, for my children, for others in my life? Am I being selfish? How can I work this out so I get what I want and others won’t be hurt? Often there is no clear answer to such questions. They become a balancing act between cost and benefit. Self-value ebbs and flows as the balance shits.

It often helps to have a kind of moral compass that can help put things in perspective. There are a variety of such compasses. One of the most accepted ones in the field of Psychology today was set forth by Lawrence Kohlberg starting in 1958 while he was a post-grad at the University of Chicago. I have presented a shortened version below. Click here for a printable version: Moral Compass

Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development

Kohlberg’s six stages of moral development are grouped into three levels. Each stage provides a new yet necessary perspective, and is more comprehensive, differentiated, and integrated than its predecessors. Each stage and level is more adequate at responding to moral dilemmas than the last.Pre-Conventional

The pre-conventional level of moral reasoning is especially common in children, although adults can also exhibit this level of reasoning. Reasoners in the pre-conventional level judge the morality of an action by its direct consequences. The pre-conventional level consists of the first and second stages of moral development, and are purely concerned with the self in an egocentric manner.

Moral Reasoning	Stage of Moral Development	Personal Perspective	Social Perspective	Operative Question
Pre-Conventional: Judgment is based on personal needs and others’ rules	1. Obedience and punishment orientation	No separate perspective. Only self & norm are recognized.Rules are obeyed to avoid punishment. A good or bad action is determined by its physical consequences.	Blind egoism	Will I get punished?
	2. Self-interest orientation	Sees that others a. have goals and preference b. either conform to or deviate from normPersonal needs determine right and wrong. Favors are returned along the lines of “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”	Instrumental egoism	What’s in it for me?
Conventional: Judgment is based on others’ approval, family expectations, traditional values, the laws of society, and loyalty to country.	3. Interpersonal accord and conformity	Recognize good and bad intentions.Good means “nice.” It is determined by what pleases, aids, and is approved by others.	Social relationships perspective	Am I being a good boy/girl?
	4. Authority & social-order maintaining orientation	Able to see abstract normative systemsLaws are absolute. Authority must be respected and the social order maintained.	Social systems perspective	Is it against the law?
Post-Conventional: Judgment is based on abstract, more personal principles that aren’t necessarily defined by society’s laws.	5. Social contract orientation	Recognizes that contracts will allow persons to increase welfare of bothGood is determined by socially agreed-upon standards of individual rights. This is a morality similar to that of the U.S. Constitution	Contractual perspective	Is this fair to all concerned?
	6. Universal ethical principles	See how human fallibility and frailty are impacted by communicationMorality is based upon universal ethical principles and abstract reasoning.	Mutual respect as a universal principle	Is it right?

In Stage one, individuals focus on the direct consequences that their actions will have for themselves. For example, an action is perceived as morally wrong if the person who commits it gets punished. The worse the punishment for the act is, the more ‘bad’ the act is perceived to be. In addition, there is no recognition that others’ points of view are any different from one’s own view. This stage may be viewed as a kind of authoritarianism.

Stage two espouses the what’s in it for me position, right behavior being defined by what is in one’s own best interest. Stage two reasoning shows a limited interest in the needs of others, but only to a point where it might further one’s own interests, such as you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.In stage two concern for others is not based on loyalty or intrinsic respect. Lacking a perspective of society in the pre-conventional level, this should not be confused with social contract (stage five), as all actions are performed to serve one’s own needs or interests. For the stage two theorist, the perspective of the world is often seen as morally relative.

Conventional

The conventional level of moral reasoning is typical of adolescents and adults. Persons who reason in a conventional way judge the morality of actions by comparing these actions to societal views and expectations. The conventional level consists of the third and fourth stages of moral development.

In Stage three, the self enters society by filling social roles. Individuals are receptive of approval or disapproval from other people as it reflects society’s accordance with the perceived role. They try to be a good boy or good girl to live up to these expectations, having learned that there is inherent value in doing so. Stage three reasoning may judge the morality of an action by evaluating its consequences in terms of a person’s relationships, which now begin to include things like respect, gratitude and the ‘golden rule’. Desire to maintain rules and authority exists only to further support these stereotypical social roles. The intentions of actions play a more significant role in reasoning at this stage; ‘they mean well…’.

In Stage four, it is important to obey laws, dictums and social conventions because of their importance in maintaining a functioning society. Moral reasoning in stage four is thus beyond the need for individual approval exhibited in stage three; society must learn to transcend individual needs. A central ideal or ideals often prescribe what is right and wrong, such as in the case of fundamentalism. If one person violates a law, perhaps everyone would – thus there is an obligation and a duty to uphold laws and rules. When someone does violate a law, it is morally wrong; culpability is thus a significant factor in this stage as it separates the bad domains from the good ones.

Post-Conventional

The post-conventional level, also known as the principled level, consists of stages five and six of moral development. Realization that individuals are separate entities from society now becomes salient. One’s own perspective should be viewed before the society’s. It is due to this ‘nature of self before others’ that the post-conventional level, especially stage six, is sometimes mistaken for pre-conventional behaviors.

In Stage five, individuals are viewed as holding different opinions and values, and it is paramount that they be respected and honored impartially. Issues that are not regarded as relative like life and choice should never be withheld or inhibited. In fact, no single choice is correct or absolute – ‘who are you to judge if they are or not’? Along a similar vein, laws are regarded as social contracts rather than rigid dictums. Those that do not promote general social welfare should be changed when necessary to meet the greatest good for the greatest number of people. This is attained through majority decision, and inevitably compromise. In this way democratic government is ostensibly based on stage five reasoning.

In Stage six, moral reasoning is based on abstract reasoning using universal ethical principles. Laws are valid only insofar as they are grounded in justice and that a commitment to justice carries with it an obligation to disobey unjust laws. Rights are unnecessary as social contracts are not essential for deontic moral action. Decisions are met categorically in an absolute way rather than hypothetically in a conditional way (see Immanuel Kant’s ‘categorical imperative’). This can be done by imagining what one would do being in anyone’s shoes, who imagined what anyone would do thinking the same (see John Rawls’s ‘veil of ignorance’^[). The resulting consensus is the action taken. In this way action is never a means but always an end in itself; one acts because it is right, and not because it is instrumental, expected, legal or previously agreed upon. While Kohlberg insisted that stage six exists, he had difficulty finding participants who consistently used it. It appears that people rarely if ever reach stage six of Kohlberg’s model.

Show me how big your brave is

When my daughter was in high school, she felt she was betrayed by some friends and was very hurt by it. At first she could not understand what happened. Then she discovered this book: Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. It was a revelation to her and she insisted that if I wanted to understand what happened to her, I would have to read this book. So I did. Later it was followed by a made-for-TVmovie: Odd Girl Out

My daughter found inspiration in this music video on a similar theme and shared it with me. I pass along the gift to you.

“Brave”

by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

The Four Building Blocks of Leadership

I use products from CPP in conjunction with my work. They are the distributors for the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator and the Strong Interest Inventory among other scientific assessment instruments. Also on their website is a white paper entitled Developing Great Leaders. Within the paper is a reference to The Four Building Blocks of Great Leadership. I quote their paper below:

“Great leaders are skilled in four building blocks of leadership. These building blocks serve as the foundation for leadership assessment, coaching, and development.

The Four Building Blocks of Great Leadership
Building Block	Definition
Vision	Has a vision of what is important for future direction, communicates this with urgency in meaningful ways, and can persuade others to align their efforts to drive for results. Is assertive and self-confident in working with others, and takes the initiative in getting things done. Can gauge and vary authority and impact on others.
Interpersonal Style	Shows an appropriate level of comfort with others, and builds lasting relationships and connections. Is socially perceptive, modeling consideration and tact, while maintaining a focus on tasks at hand. Can objectively give and receive candid performance feedback. Is comfortable with managing conflict and differences of opinion.
Communication	Is skilled in sending and receiving/interpreting verbal, nonverbal, and written messages. Uses appropriate grammar and vocabulary, as well as eye contact, gestures, and inflection. Shows comfort and poise in presenting ideas to (large) groups, and can readily respond to ideas and questions.
Problem Solving / Decision Making	Uses analytical, fact-based, logical, and impartial methods to decide what needs to be done. Balances this deductive approach with the use of speculation and intuition to recognize information gaps in forming judgments and opinions. Is curious and broad minded, and uses inference and intuition to solve complex business problems. Links short-term planning with strategic thinking to anticipate future consequences of current tactics.

The building blocks of great leadership must be considered against the backdrop of business performance objectives. Managers and leaders must be results driven, and their efforts and priorities must be devoted to the development of leadership, interpersonal, communication, and problem solving skills as applied to the needs of their specific business situation.”

What struck me about this is that, while their orientation is on business, these concepts can also be applied to the business of one’s life. With further thought, these ideas can be remapped into a Neo-Jungian archetypal context.

The Four Building Blocks of Personal Leadership
Archetype	Building Block	Characteristic
King / Queen	Vision & Stewardship	Carries a vision of what is possible Imparts the vision persuasively and inspiringly Inspires confidence and trust Sees and blesses all in the realm
Warrior	Decisions & Productivity	Uses analytical, fact-based, logical, and impartial methods to decide what needs to be done. Is socially perceptive, modeling consideration and tact, while maintaining a focus on tasks at hand. Is comfortable with managing conflict and differences of opinion. Can objectively give and receive candid performance feedback.
Magician	Possibilities & Solutions	Is curious and broad minded, and uses inference and intuition to solve complex business problems. Links short-term planning with strategic thinking to anticipate future consequences of current tactics. Balances this deductive approach with the use of speculation and intuition to recognize information gaps in forming judgments and opinions.
Lover	Relationships & Communication	Shows comfort and poise in presenting ideas to (large) groups, and can readily respond to ideas and questions. Shows an appropriate level of comfort with others, and builds lasting relationships and connections. Is skilled in sending and receiving/interpreting verbal, nonverbal, and written messages. Uses appropriate grammar and vocabulary, as well as eye contact, gestures, and inflection.

The work of personal leadership developments can be placed in this construct. 1) Determine the gaps between where you are with the building blocks and where you would like to be. 2) Develop a plan to close the gaps. 3) Review progress and adjust plans. This is the core of what I refer to as Personal Leadership Development.

Building Blocks of Leadership

The Blue Zones Project

I recently ran across a Ted Talk about healthy living. It brought The Blue Zones Project to my attention. I am sharing this with you as food for thought.

Many residents living in the original Blue Zones share nine healthy lifestyle habits that help them live longer, healthier, happier lives. These are referred to as the “Power 9 Principles”.

1. Move Naturally

The world’s longest-lived people don’t pump iron, run marathons or join gyms. Instead, they live in environments that constantly nudge them into moving without thinking about it. They live in places where they can walk to the store, to their friend’s house or places of worship. Their houses have stairs. They have gardens in their yards.

To start moving naturally, consider making things a little inconvenient. Take that extra trip up or down the stairs instead of loading things at the top or bottom to take up later. Walk to your airport gate instead of taking the moving walkway or park far from the entrance when you visit a store. Walk a dog, do your own yard and housework, and get rid of some the timesaving electronics and power equipment that have “simplified” your life.

2. Know Your Purpose

Knowing your sense of purpose is worth up to seven years of extra life expectancy. The Okinawans call it “ikigai” and the Nicoyans call it “plan de vida”—for both, it translates to “why I wake up in the morning.”

Begin investigating your own purpose, by creating an internal inventory of your life. Try to articulate your values, passions, gifts and talents. What are the things you like to do and the things you don’t? Then incorporate ways to put your skills into action in ways that will add meaning to your life and the lives of others.

3. Down Shift

Stress leads to chronic inflammation, which is associated with every major age-related disease. Although everyone experiences stress, the world’s longest-lived people have routines to shed that stress. Okinawans take a few moments each day to remember their ancestors, Adventists pray, Ikarians take a nap and Sardinians do happy hour.

You, too, can find a stress-relieving strategy that works for you and make it a routine. You’ll be able to benefit both physically and emotionally!

4. 80% Rule

Marketers tell us we can eat our way to health, but America has been eating its way well beyond health. The 80% Rule is a strategy that focuses on taking things out of everyday diets, instead of putting more things in.

Saying “Hara hachi bu,” the 2500-year old Confucian mantra, before meals, reminds Okinawans to stop eating when their stomach is 80% full. This 20% gap between not being hungry and feeling full could be the difference between losing weight or gaining it.

You can also replace your big tableware with 10″ plates and tall, skinny glasses, remove any TV’s from the kitchen, and remember that people in the Blue Zones® areas eat their smallest meal in the late afternoon or early evening and then don’t eat any more the rest of the day.

5. Plant Slant

While most people in the Blue Zones® areas only consume small amounts of meat on rare occasions, all of them eat a rich array of fresh fruits and vegetables, which are packed with disease-fighting nutrients. The cornerstone of most centenarian diets is beans, favorites including fava, black, soy and lentils.

You can eat meat if you want to, but try considering it as a condiment and make sure you buy the leanest, finest meat you can afford. Limit portions to the size of a deck of cards and don’t exceed serving it more than twice a week. This is consistent with the USDA’s MyPlate recommendations to make fruits, vegetables and grains the majority of your intake. You can also focus on eating nuts—a handful a day can give you an extra 2-3 years of life expectancy!

6. Wine @ 5

Thanks to healthy plant compounds and antioxidants, wine has been shown to reduce the risk of heart disease, certain cancers and slow the progression of neurological disorders like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s Disease.

Limit your daily intake to one glass for women and two glasses for men. Try drinking while you eat a meal with friends to experience the full benefits of this Power 9® principle. Remember, however, that if you go overboard, the positive effects will be replaced with negative habits, so be mindful of your intake.

7. Right Tribe

The world’s longest-lived people are either born into or choose to create social circles that support healthy behaviors. Ikarians enjoy tight-knit communities that socialize frequently, while Okinawans build “moai” groups of five friends that commit to each other for life.

Research from the Framingham Studies shows that smoking, obesity, happiness and even loneliness are contagious. Assessing who you hang out with, and then proactively surrounding yourself with the right friends, will do more to add years to your life than just about anything else.

8. Community

All but five of the 263 centenarians interviewed in the original Blue Zones® areas studies belonged to some faith-based community. It doesn’t matter if you’re Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish or another religion. What matters is that you attend regularly and truly feel part of a larger group.

Research shows that attending faith-based services four times per month will add 4-14 years of life expectancy. If you already belong to a group, great! If it’s been a while or you aren’t sure where to start, try asking friends and neighbors for their suggestions or search for additional information online.

9. Loved Ones First

Happy, healthy centenarians in the Blue Zones® areas put their families first. This can take shape in many ways, from keeping your aging parents and grandparents in or near your home to being in a positive, committed relationship, which can add up to 6 years of life expectancy.

Caring for children is important for many reasons, too, and many people in the Blue Zones areas go out of their way to invest time and love their children to ensure they’ll be more likely to care for them when the time comes.

Blue Zones Project

Each of us deserves to be forgiven

Robert Bly has been a significant teacher for me. I met him twice and each brief encounter has remained in my memory. He is now being honored for his body of work with the Frost Medal.

It seems a documentary is also being made. It is to be called “News of the Universe” which was what he called one of his works of poetry.

Both were recently mentioned in the Huffington Post.

“When the right thing happens,
The whole body knows.”

Blessing to you Robert for your leadership, your teachings, and for shocking us into awareness through Iron John and everything that led up to it.

rob

The Drama and Equality Triangles

For the full treatise on this subject in printable form click: The Drama and Equality Triangles

The Drama Triangle was originally developed in 1968 by Stephen Karpman, a Transactional Analysis trainer, as a way of describing the dance that occurs whenever we make someone else responsible for how we feel. According to Karpman, any time we don’t take responsibility for our feelings, we are acting in a part of the Drama Triangle. The Drama Triangle is a simple yet powerful mechanism for understanding dynamics in a relationship.

The Drama Triangle is based on unequal relationships. The roles are akin to those in a parent/child relationship where the parent “knows best” and enforces compliance on the child. The roles of the drama triangle are: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Karpman shows the relationship among these three roles by putting them on an upside down triangle. This shows the Persecutor and Rescuer in the one-up (parent) position that they take to the Victim. The Victim considers himself to be powerless while seeing the others as powerful, a child-like view.

A Persecutor is someone who puts other people down and therefore goes one-up. The Persecutor often defends himself by claiming good intention, thereby seeing himself as the Rescuer.
A Rescuer also goes one-up. They do more than their share and they do things they don’t really want to do. They often profess to know how you should live your life better than you do. In this sense, a Rescuer is a Persecutor in sheep’s clothing. The victim will often see the Rescuer as the Persecutor.
A Victim doesn’t take responsibility for himself. They will often feel overwhelmed with their feelings or even numb to them. The Victim takes the viewpoint that the solution to his problem is 1) for others to change or 2) for someone else to fix it for him. Hopelessness, helplessness and inevitability are the hallmarks of the Victim.

It is important to distinguish between taking the life-view that “I am a victim” versus “I have been victimized”. People are sometimes truly victimized by such forces as crime, abuse, war, societal prejudices, or religious or political persecution. Seeing life as “I am a victim” (helpless, whiney, depressed, hopeless, cynical, complaining) is independent of being victimized. This latter state of mind is the subject of this paper.

The role names are part of our everyday language. The drama in the Triangle comes from the switching of roles. As the drama triangle is played out, people change roles or tactics. Others in the triangle will then switch to match this. Sooner or later the Victim, sick of the one-down position, turns on the Rescuer. Or the Rescuer becomes fed up with a lack response or any appreciation of their efforts, becomes persecuting. The Drama Triangle has been around long enough for there to be many derivatives and modifications.

The Drama Triangle Roles and Interactions
Interaction	Victim	Rescuer	Persecutor
Reality	Suffering or potentially suffering I love my suffering	Concern for victim I know what is best for you	Invested in satisfying own needs I have the right to punish you
Characteristics	Acts as if he does not have the resources to solve his problem Acts as if his neediness is so acute it prevents him from solving problems Does not use Adult Ego State for thinking and problem solving	Takes over Does the thinking and problem solving Does more than his share Does things he does not want to do	Others suffer on account of his behavior Part of his goal is to punish
Discount	The situation is hopeless. It can never be solved I love my victimhood	Only you have the solution to my problems and any solutions you have can’t possibly work. The victim cannot solve his problem I love telling others what to do	The victim doesn’t matter I can’t be OK unless you get your come-uppance I can’t let you get away with this

While the Drama Triangle illustrates the conflictual pattern quite clearly, it’s not always that easy to see a way out when you are in the middle of the drama. The way out is through the Persecutor corner. You have to become willing to allow the other players to see you as the Persecutor in order to stop playing this game.

Archetypes

Archetypes are representations of the deep structures in our psyches that channel our life forces. Examination of mythic images from disparate cultures all over the world reveals a common subset of mythic images. The Depth Psychology of Dr. Carl Jung infers that these images emanate from Collective Unconscious, those parts of the psyche that all people share, and thus reveal the fundamental structure of the human psyche. In the Neo-Jungian Psychology of Dr. Robert L. Moore, the chief archetypes of the male psyche are King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover. Exploring and understanding how these archetypal energies are showing up in our lives can help us to use our life forces to our optimal benefit.

Archetype	In Fullness	In Shadow		Domain	Access Techniques
Archetype	In Fullness	Active	Passive	Domain	Access Techniques
King or Queen	Ordering Fertility Blessing Inspire	Tyrant	Abdicator Weakling	Joy Earth Castle	Hold the Center Impart a Vision See and Bless Find your voice
Warrior	Decisive In Service Way/Tao Disciplined	Sadist	Masochist	Anger Air Field of Battle	Stay the Course Serve the Vision Accept Consequences Hold Boundaries
Magician	Knower Ritual Elder Awareness Insight	Manipulator	Innocent One Dummy	Fear Fire Laboratory	Study Surrender Detach Trust
Lover	Sensual Without shame Compassion Connected	Addict	Impotent One	Grief Water Garden	Play and Display Face shame Grieve/Forgive Love

If you would like to explore the archetypes in your life, please see my offering on Achetypal Assessment